How is Detroit? This is the most commonly asked question by friends and family back home. Unfortunately they receive the same answer..."Oh, good...you know its Detroit....its really routine". At those moments I feel lost in my experience here and what I am actually doing. So how is Detroit Siobhan? Well it is cold and for those of you who know me I HATE being cold so you can only imagine what my attire consists of already in to middle of October (yes, I have broken out the winter coat, hat, and gloves). Detroit is raw it doesn't conceal the everyday struggles of the people that inhabit this city. It is getting harder and harder for me to see the homeless sleeping outside in the dropping tempatures. I ask myself why? I ask myself how? And then I remember that we were not all made equal.
Detroit is a struggle. I am living a life of constant transition, being a recent graduate, single for the first time, without the love of my life Brewer, for the first time living more than an hour away from home. Living in transition is scary, uncomfortable, difficult, and most of all lonely. I have dealt my entire life with various complicated situations; that I avoided for years. In time I decided to face them head on and break down the walls of unhappiness and told myself that I was determined to find out what happiness felt like again. I cut into the darkness I was hiding underneath the smile and pushed through, but as most do I dropped out of the game too early. I decided I was okay, I had figured out my demons and could move on to bigger and better things; but I had so much more to learn.
How is Detroit? Its full of tears, realizations, spiritual moments, powerful thought, obessive thought, pills, hookah, work, co-worker drama, I at the top of my game, and then I find myself at the bottom being someone bitch. I am anrgy, anxious, happy, fine, numb, eager, breathing, mindless, confused, and simple exhausted. Detroit has unmasked deep rooted thoughts and behaviors that I was able to distract myself from back in Minnesota (Thanks Mom, Britt, Erin, Jen, and D).
We are told when applying to undergraduate institutions to go away - go somewhere you can truly find yourself. HA! CSBSJU introduced me into a world of last minute papers and Wednesday night Big Mugs - not a deeper understanding of myself. Who wants to go through this process anyway - its exhausting, it hurts, and its messy. But I begun to realize I have a choice either I take on this mess and walk through life a happier more understanding person or ignore it and let my own mind dominate and rule what I do and accomplish.
And then as I sit in my fish bowl like office and realize how wrapped up in my own thoughts I am. I see a spanish woman who has brought her daughter with her to translate so she can get the proper care. She must be so far away from her home. I see the lines on her face and what kind of story they tell. I believe they show the life of a woman who have face many unfortunate situations but was a strong woman who dealt and dealt and got by. She has been left on the margins without health care another life or death situation she has had to deal with. But here we are little Cabrini Clinic acting as an anti-aging lotion and preventing her from more tiresome facial lines. I see a man sleeping he has been here for hours because he does not have the $4 to pay for the low cost medications at Meijer. Deborah flips through a magazine with a toothless smile on her face that reflects comfort because this month she will have the medications that keep her alive. These are the people and the stories that keep me here that keep me fighting against all of my own life discomforts.
A patient came in today who is on the brink of living on the streets and whose blood sugar was dangerously low. He came is as a run down, worn out, poverty stricken man. When he walked out of our clinic he came up to my window and shook my hand. With that small gesture I was for a moment, connected to him I felt his struggle, his sorrow, but I looked into his eyes and smile and happiness just radiated from him. He finally had someone say "Yes, I will help you". My stuggles are small compared to what I see everyday, but I give thanks for the people that I meet and build relationships here with at Cabrini because in a way they are my life saver.
Siobhan...I just started looking at your blog and I had to comment. This is a beautiful, honest, just plain real reflection. I think you are so on point when you talk about "finding yourself" in college as an almost joke. Although there are a ton of experiences in which we change, we are in such a bubble--a very comfortable bubble that blinds many of us to any struggle outside of that bubble.
ReplyDeleteI love and appreciate the way in which you tell of the true struggles the homeless and poverty stricken in Detroit face. It is important that someone gives these people a voice and from this one entry it seems that you are a part of giving them a voice!
God Bless you in all you do! This is an amazing journey (sounds cliche, but it is true!) Stay warm--I am sure growing up in Minnesota has prepared you for the coldest of colds.
Your crazy California friend,
Ash